


cause the western folks all know

by Jules1398



Category: The Book of Mormon - Parker/Stone/Lopez
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, College, Coming Out, Coping, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, M/M, Panic Attacks, arnold & kevin went to uganda and the stuff there happened but connor/chris/james weren't there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-20
Updated: 2019-01-15
Packaged: 2019-09-23 16:45:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 18,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17084015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jules1398/pseuds/Jules1398
Summary: After returning from their mission, Kevin and Arnold do the only logical thing: go to school. Kevin lives a fairly mundane college life, at least until Arnold and Naba sexile him and he meets the nice boy who lives down the hall.





	1. first glances

**Author's Note:**

> okay so this started as me coping w missing home while just getting into the show and playing with characterization and idk i wasn't going to post it until it's done but i think some of it is actually like writing i'm proud of so i'm posting this to motivate me to finish (i have 4 chaps done as we speak) and anyway i want to finish it before a new idea fully develops in my mind bc that's how i got distracted before (i was gonna write a kohl's au and it turned into an original thing i'm working on lmaoooo) so yeah  
> this is my first fic in the fandom pls be kind  
> ALSO i saw the show in london last week and JFKDLJLFDSJKLDSAJKL SO GOOD i'm still screaming. i never describe connor's appearance bc i exclusively picture him as stevie webb oops fsdlkfjdslk might describe him later so if you see blond connor don't be caught off guard  
> [come say hi to me on the tungle](http://chloevlntine.tumblr.com/)

After spending two years of sharing extremely close quarters with Arnold while they were on their mission, Kevin thought sharing a dorm room with him would be no big deal. Sure, their friendship had started a bit rocky, but Arnold had quickly become one of Kevin’s favorite people ever. Being roommates was a no-brainer and, well, it went fantastically at first.

And then, three weeks into the semester Nabulungi visited.

Kevin loved Naba, he really did, but he absolutely did not love getting kicked out of his own bedroom every night and having to sit on the ugly couch on the floor common area until they were done doing whatever they were doing. They both had taken some liberties with their faith after the mess that was their mission. Kevin’s liberty was not spending all-Sunday every Sunday at church.

An unfortunate result of living with his best friend and not attending church was that he didn’t really have a lot of friends at school. Sure, there were plenty of people from his hometown there. He was from Cody and he was attending the University of Wyoming. Of course, there were people from high school there. He just didn’t get along with them. The people he was friends with in high school wouldn’t like who he is now and the people who would like who is is now probably hated him in high school.

So, he had nowhere else to crash. It was a Friday night and Arnold and Naba had been locked in there for hours. He wondered if they were even awake anymore. Or if they were just watching  _ Star Wars _ again. He was terrified to check.

He considered making the five and a half hour drive up to Cody and spending the weekend at home. Jack and his wife had just had a baby and Kevin had only met his niece a handful of times due to being away at school since he got back from Uganda. But at the same time, Naba was leaving in a just a few days and he didn’t want to miss spending the weekend with her just because he was too weak to stay up late enough to get his room back.

So instead, he just sat in the common area alone, nearly falling asleep on his laptop as he tried to work on an essay that wasn’t even due for another three weeks.

He hadn’t even noticed how much he was drifting off until he heard a bag drop down onto the floor somewhere across the room followed by a loud sigh. 

Kevin sprang from his seat on the couch and his things went crashing down to the ground.

There was a guy sitting at the table with wide eyes. “Oh no, did I wake you? I’m so sorry. I can be quieter.”

Kevin shook his head as he picked his stuff up off the floor and started placing it back on the couch. “I was just-” he started. “I wasn’t sleeping.”

He nodded, not looking entirely convinced. “Well, I can be quieter anyway. If you want to sleep.”

“I have a room,” Kevin told him, even though that was probably obvious. “I’ll sleep there eventually.”

“You’re Arnold’s roommate, right?” he asked. “Because I walked past your room and, well, it seems occupied.”

He groaned. “They've been in there for  _ hours _ . I get that they only have a few days together before she flies home, but it’s my room too!”

“I’d invite you to nap in my room while I work on this paper, but my roommate snores ridiculously loud,” the guy said.

“It’s fine,” Kevin waved off. “I’m a stranger anyway.”

“I mean, you’re Arnold’s best friend, so not completely a stranger,” he pointed out. “Arnold talks about you all the time.”

“How do you know Arnold?” he asked curiously, walking toward the dude so that they could talk without having to yell across the room. Arnold hadn’t mentioned a lot of other friends, but maybe they weren’t that close. Though Arnold never really stopped talking, so maybe he had just missed it.

“We go to church together,” he explained. “He doesn’t usually stay for all of the activities, but he’s usually there for the 8 am church service.”

Kevin blinked. “I didn’t know that Arnold still went to church,” he muttered, more to himself than to the guy at the table.

“Are you LDS as well?” he asked, seemingly a bit surprised.

“Do I not look it?” Kevin asked. It was a stupid question. Since getting back, he had let his hair grow out on the top probably more than he was supposed to and he was hardly dressed well, wearing gray sweatpants and a ratty old Yellowstone t-shirt that he’d purchased before his mission.

The guy didn’t mention his appearance at all and just shrugged. “I just haven’t seen you around at any church events.”

Kevin sighed. “I guess I just haven’t felt that connected with the church lately. Our mission was supposed to bring us closer to God, but I haven’t felt further from Him ever. I guess I just realized a lot of what I had taken as the truth sounds like it could have been made up by, well, Arnold.”

He nodded in understanding. “Sometimes I question Him as well. I guess I’ve just been putting off working through it. I’m Connor, by the way.”

“I’m Kevin,” he replied. “What are you working on?”

“Business administration paper,” Connor replied. “My dad wants to read over my first draft before I turn in and he wants it tonight.”

“Business administration? That sounds-” Kevin began.

“Incredibly boring?” Connor filled in. “Yeah. It is. I’ve been drowning in the most miserable textbooks ever since my dad said he wanted to read the paper.”

“At least you’ll get a good grade,” he pointed out.

Connor smiled, seemingly to himself. “I’m actually a dance major. My parents don’t know that. See, I’m not exactly a perfect Mormon either. I’m a liar, which is like at least on par with skipping church”

“It’s confusing,” Kevin said. “Like, the church has done some great things in His image but, at the same time… well, I don’t know. I have so many questions that I can’t find answers to, no matter how hard I pray. Like, you have more of a right to lie to your parents about what your passion is then they do to limit it, but the Book doesn’t see it that way.”

“You should come next Sunday,” Connor said with a small smile. “I think a lot of people could benefit from hearing what you have to say. We’re a youth organization. As the future of the LDS Church, we need more voices like yours.”

Kevin shook his head. “Sorry, Connor, but my faith is something that I need to work through on my own.”

“I understand,” Connor said. “I can wake you when I leave if you’d like to nap.”

“Thanks, but no,” he replied. “You don’t have to worry about me. I’m not going to fall asleep anyway.”

* * *

Kevin woke up the next morning to Arnold shaking him. There was light filtering in through the common area window, which made Nabulungi’s failed attempts to hide her laughter apparent.

He sprung up and pointed at her. “Don’t you laugh at me. This is half your fault.”

“You could have texted,” she pointed out. “Instead you decided to sleep here and have someone tuck you in nice and tight.”

Kevin hadn’t really noticed, but there was, in fact, a blanket on top of him. He hadn’t remembered how it had gotten there but, then again, he had never intended to fall asleep to begin with. That meant that someone else had left it there…

He caught a glance of a piece of paper clutched in Arnold’s hand. “Is that for me?”

Arnold nodded and opened his mouth to speak, but Nabulungi snatched the note from his hand. “I want to read it.”

Naba cleared her throat before speaking. “Dear Kevin, Despite your insistence on staying awake, you seem to have fallen asleep on the couch. You looked peaceful and you seemed tired before, so I didn’t want to wake you. You can leave the blanket on the couch. I’ll pick it up later. -C.”

“Who’s C?” Arnold taunted, wiggling his eyebrows.

Kevin rolled his eyes. “It’s just Connor from down the hall. He was working on an essay and we spoke for a couple of minutes.”

“I thought you only talked to-” Naba started before yelping in pain and glaring at Arnold, who had stepped on her foot.

Kevin wasn’t an idiot, so he was able to fill in the blank. “I am perfectly capable of talking to people who aren’t Arnold.”

“We know, buddy,” Arnold said with a smile before slapping him on the back. “Now get up. We’re going out to the mountains.”

“Arnold says that we can get the best pizza ever on the way back,” Naba said with a bright smile.

“And pie,” Arnold added. “The pie is just as an important of a component to having the perfect meal at Beartree.”

Kevin couldn’t exactly say no to that since it was the best pizza and pie that he’d ever head, so he pushed up off of the couch, stretching out his limbs, which were aching from sleeping on a couch rather than his bed.

Before leaving, Kevin carefully folded up the blanket and left it on the end of the couch. He briefly considered writing a note in response but decided against it out of fear of Arnold and Nabulungi’s incessant teasing.

* * *

What with Nabulungi’s visit and midterms approaching, it was another few days until Kevin saw Connor again, despite them living on the same floor.

Kevin was eating dinner alone in the dining center as Arnold drove Naba down to Denver so that she could catch her flight home. He had wanted to go with, but he had a mandatory lab earlier that afternoon.

He was staring down at his tray, twirling around his spoon in his cold bowl of clam chowder. It really was starting to hit him how lonely he really was. He had spent the last week with his only non-Arnold friend and now she was gone. And Arnold was great, but he was only one person.

Maybe he should just call it quits and go back home. Maybe it was too soon after his mission to be throwing himself back into school.

“Can I sit?” asked a familiar voice.

Kevin looked up to see Connor hovering in front of them with a tray in his hands. “Uh,” he mumbled. “Sure, I guess. If you want.”

Connor smiled and sat down across from him. “Thanks. I need a break from those two,” he said, nodding over his shoulder toward where two boys were trying to throw knock-off froot loops in each other’s mouths and instead were getting them all over the ground. They looked a lot more fun than he did right now.

“You don’t have to sit here just because I’m alone,” Kevin muttered, returning his glance to his disgusting soup.

“I don’t have to,” Connor agreed. “I guess I just wanted to.”

That made Kevin look up again in surprise. They had only spoken once. Why would Connor care? But then again, he was still a true Latter Day Saint. He was probably just there to help a Brother in need.

He let his glance divert to Connor’s tray and his jaw dropped. “They had potstickers?”

“Why else would everyone being lining up at the Mongolian station?” Connor pointed out, nodding over his shoulder where, sure enough, there was a massive line. Kevin really must have been out of it when he got to dinner.

“Well, it’s too late now,” he sighed. “That line is going to take together to get through.”

Connor took two potstickers off of his plate and wordlessly dropped them onto Kevin’s tray.

“I can’t take your food,” he said.

“It’s fine,” Connor insisted. “Now I’ll have enough room for dessert. They have a Starburst flavored cake today. I’m intrigued.”

“Arnold had it the other week and insists it’s good but I just can’t bring myself to try it,” Kevin told him, managing a small smile.

“Where is Arnold anyway?” Connor asked. “Off with his girlfriend?”

“Dropping her off at the airport,” Kevin clarified. “She’s going back to Uganda for now.”

“Uganda,” Connor repeated. “That’s where you went on your mission, right? Sounds adventurous.”

Kevin snorted. “That’s a word for it. It was a lot, but I guess in the end it was a good thing because we met Naba there.”

“My mission was dreadfully boring,” Connor sighed. “I was District Leader and it was  _ still  _ boring.”

“Where was your mission?” he asked curiously.

“Orlando,” Connor replied.

“If you’re joking, I will strangle you,” Kevin threatened, stabbing his spoon in the air. “I prayed for  _ years _ to get sent there. And then I was lucky enough to get placed in a Uganda village with AIDs, warlords, and rampant dysentery.”

“Orlando wasn’t as exciting as you’d think,” he told him. “I mean, as missionaries, we weren’t allowed to go to Disney. Not even once.”

“So they put you next to the happiest place on earth but never let you go inside?” Kevin asked. “That sounds brutal and I’ve seen people get murdered.”

Silence fell between them and Kevin knew he had screwed up. Of course, he had. It seemed that he could barely talk to anyone without accidentally unloading something that was slightly psychological traumatic these days. That’s why he stuck with Arnold. He understood.

But the silence didn’t last forever because Connor spoke just a few seconds later. “My father liked my essay.”

Kevin smiled a bit. “Good. That means that you can keep on dancing.”

“What are you studying?” Connor asked. “I realized that we talked all about me the other night, but I never asked about you.”

Kevin laughed a little. “That’s the million dollar question,” he told Connor. “My parents ask me the same thing week after week, but I guess I just don’t know.”

“Is there anything you’re interested in?” he asked. “Maybe you could sit in on some classes or shadow something and see if it’s for you.”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. I was thinking about early education for a bit since I got along so well with the kids from the village, but I’m kind of screwy in the head, so I’m not sure if I’m really teacher material.”

“I think that if that’s what you want to do, then you should to it,” Connor told him. “Who cares if you have some unique experiences? You still can be a good teacher. And if you need them there are free counseling services in Kni-”

“No,” Kevin interrupted. “I don’t want to go to therapy. I’m fine.”

“Okay,” Connor said. He didn’t sound entirely convinced, but at least he was backing off. They weren’t close enough to have that conversation but, then again, they seemed to have a lot of conversations that they weren’t quite close enough for.

One of the guys from the other table ran toward them and snatched a potsticker from Connor’s plate before taking off in the other direction and laughing maniacally.

Connor just sighed. “They’re going to continue to harass me until I sit with them. Do you want to come too?”

Kevin shook his head. “I’m almost done anyway. Enjoy your dinner and your delectable Starburst flavored cake.”

The other boy laughed a lovely airy laugh. “I’ll see you around, Kevin.”

Maybe he wasn’t quite ready to move on from his past yet, but he never would be if he didn’t try. That night, Kevin set up a meeting with his academic advisor to officially change his major.

* * *

“So, like, I love Jack and everything, don’t get me wrong, but his wife is  _ so  _ annoying?” Kevin’s younger sister, Tess, complained on the other end of the line.

He sighed. Kevin wasn’t really a fan of talking bad about people behind their backs. “She seems fine to me.”

“That’s because you barely know her,” she insisted. “You were in Africa for the worst of it. Now she has a baby to take away some of her energy. Besides, she’s in her early 20s and she’s named  _ Martha _ . Her parents must have known she’d be evil before she was even born.”

“What has she done that’s so evil?” he asked, humoring his sister even though he didn’t really care.

“Exist,” Tess replied. “And also she told me my shorts were “ungodly” and threatened to report me to the  _ Bishop _ . He lives in Gillette! I doubt he’s going to make a four-hour drive to excommunicate me for being comfortable during the summer.”

“To be fair, half your ass hangs out of those shorts,” he pointed out.

She gasped. “College was turned you dirty, Kev.”

“Uganda actually,” he clarified. “I’m just too terrified to do anything wrong around Mom.”

Tess hummed sympathetically. “She can be terrifying sometimes. You make like one mistake and you’re stuck doing dishes for three months straight.”

“Yeah,” he mumbled, before taking a deep breath. He needed to talk to her about what he really wanted to talk about. “Do you think I’d be a good teacher?” he asked.

“What?”

“A good teacher,” he repeated. “I’ve declared my major as early education and I want to know what you think about it before I talk to Mom and Dad.”

She paused for a moment, probably to mull it over.

“Yes,” she said finally. “You’ve always been an amazing big brother and you’ve told us about the work you did with the kids at the village. I think you’d be a great teacher and I think it would make you really happy.”

He smiled to himself. “Thanks, Tess. I needed another opinion.”

“What made you finally figure out that it was what you wanted to do?” she asked.

Kevin paused for a moment, trying to figure out exactly how to phrase his answer. “I got some advice from a friend.”


	2. the hawthorne effect

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm back from europe yeet update time >:) and now i can work on writing the later parts too fuck yea  
> [as always you can catch me on the tungle](http://chloevlntine.tumblr.com/)

“I just don’t see the point,” Kevin said. “Why have a whole show about this couple getting together if most of them are going to break up anyway? And the runner-up from one show being the next contestant on the other? Shouldn’t they be like healing or something? Like they were almost going to be with this other person.”

They were walking to their respective classes, bundled up in multiple layers because the cold Wyoming wind and the snow on the ground didn’t care that it was only the middle of October.

Connor laughed. “It’s not that deep, Kevin. It’s purely for entertainment. I think people go on the show more for fame than anything.”

“So then it’s all fake,” he inferred. “I don’t get the point in watching reality TV if it isn’t even real. If you want fake romance or fake drama, there’s like a million other shows on TV that don’t falsely claim to be real.”

“I mean it’s not like they can really get something genuine when people know they’re being filmed,” Connor pointed out. “It’s the Hawthorne Effect, right? People act differently when they know they’re being observed.”

Kevin nodded. “I suppose so, but I still don’t find it very entertaining.”

“Yeah, but some people do, so it’s going to continue to air,” Connor told him. “I mean, like three girls and a guy have glared at us since we started this conversation. People love  _ The Bachelor _ .”

“Like you?” Kevin asked an accusing look on his face.

The other boy shrugged. “I mean, I don’t hate it, but I’m not a fan either. A few of my sisters watch it behind my parents’ backs. Because, you know, that’s not exactly the Mormon dream show.”

“A few of your sisters?” he asked. “Just about how many sisters do you have?”

“Nine,” Connor answered. “But my oldest sister doesn’t exactly get along with my parents or the Church anymore.”

“ _ Nine _ ?” he repeated incredulously.

“You know how big Mormon families can be,” he pointed out.

“I guess,” Kevin replied. “I have three brothers and a sister. I thought that was big enough.”

“That seems nice,” Connor said with a small laugh. “Like, I love my sisters, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes it’s a lot with all of us. And it would be nice to have another guy in the house besides my dad.”

“Don’t worry. We aren’t at a loss for family drama,” he assured his friend. “My sister is very vocal about her hatred for my sister-in-law, who my older brother married after only six months of dating. The twins are on their missions now but I can’t even imagine what antics they’d be up to had they been home.”

“Maybe they should make a reality show about you guys then,” Connor teased, elbowing him lightly.

“I disagree,” Kevin replied. “I think the best route would be to make a sitcom about the both of us. Two young Mormons battling their own questions about faith and dealing with their crazy families form an unlikely bond when they go away to a secular college.”

“I don’t think our bond is that unlikely,” Connor pointed out. Kevin could swear his cheeks were flushed red, but it might just have been from the cold.

“It’s unlikely because I rarely leave my room,” Kevin joked.

Connor rolled his eyes affectionately. “Well, there is that.”

They stopped in front of Connor’s building and Kevin gave him a quick hug before rushing off toward his own class. He didn’t know why he had hugged him. It just felt right. They were friends, after all. Friends could hug.

* * *

It became a bit of a tradition for Kevin and Connor to hang out together in the common area on Friday nights. Neither of them were exactly party people, what with Connor still being part of the church and Kevin not knowing where he stood with it, so their Friday nights were often spent doing homework or just hanging out.

This time they were sitting on the couch watching  _ The Rescuers.  _ Kevin was giving a running commentary as they watched, something that he couldn’t help but do when watching Disney’s classics. Connor was about the only person who didn’t seem to mind, as he had his head leaned up on Kevin’s shoulder and seemed to be listening intently.

The elevator dinged, revealing Arnold, who had seemingly just returned from the library. Connor abruptly pushed off of Kevin and moved to the other side of the couch.

Kevin looked to him in concern. “Is something wrong?”

Connor looked a bit panicked. “Why would anything be wrong?”

“You’re being weird,” Kevin insisted. “Something’s wrong.”

“I’m not being weird,” he argued.

Kevin was about to go into specifics when Arnold burst into the room and plopped down onto the seat between them on the couch. “I finally got that essay done. What are you guys watching?”

“ _ The Rescuers _ ,” Connor replied.

Arnold gave him a sympathetic look. “Disney movies with Kevin? I admire your brave soul.”

Kevin whacked his best friend lightly. “You can’t say that when you made me marathon  _ Star Wars  _ with you and then proceeded to talk through every movie. All I remember from the movies is that somehow everything was the fish guy’s fault.”

“Perhaps we are one and the same,” Arnold conceded. “That’s why we get along so well. Connor, however, does  _ not  _ seem like the type to talk through movies.”

Connor shrugged. “I just think Kevin’s commentary is interesting. It’s like I get to watch a movie and a documentary about the movie all at once.”

“See Arnold,” Kevin said, gesturing toward Connor. “I’m interesting.”

Arnold shook his head. “That can’t be it. You haven’t even seen the extended cuts of the  _ Lord of the Rings  _ trilogy!”

“And that’s somehow more interesting?” he asked. “Arnold, I don’t have the attention span to sit through movies that long! No rational human does!”

“Even I’ve seen the extended versions,” Connor chimed in. “My oldest sister was a huge fan. They’re pretty good.”

“They’re cinematic masterpieces,” Arnold corrected.

“If you don’t mind, we were watching something,” Kevin told his best friend, nodding toward the TV which was still playing the movie.

“I’m done with my essay, so I’ll join,” he said. “I have to celebrate my newfound freedom.”

“You’ll talk through it,” Kevin accused.

“I can be quiet!” Arnold protested, even though it definitely wasn’t true. “Besides, you’ll be talking through the movie anyway. What do you think, Connor?”

“Actually, I think I’m going to go back to my room,” he said, looking away from Kevin. “I just remembered that I have some homework that I have to finish.”

“Are you sure?” Kevin asked. “I can pause it and we can pick it up later.”

Connor shook his head. “Enjoy the movie without me.”

Kevin watched the other boy leave, wondering what he had done wrong.

Once Connor was down the hallway, Arnold turned back toward Kevin. “What’s up with him?”

“He says it’s nothing,” Kevin answered. “But he’s been acting super weird.”

“Well, I hope he’s okay,” Arnold said worriedly.

“Me too,” Kevin said with a sigh.

* * *

Kevin’s advisor, Dr. Riviera, was actually pretty young compared to most of the other professors at the university. He couldn’t exactly remember what she was a professor of since undeclared students were assigned to random professors. Maybe he would have a new advisor in a few minutes and became an official student of the College of Education.

She greeted him with a wide smile when he knocked on her open door frame. “Come on in. Kevin, right?”

He nodded and took the seat across from her, reaching into his backpack to pull out the change of major form that he had filled out.

“Early education?” she read, a look of surprise on her face. “You want to be a teacher?”

“Do I not look like I’d be a good teacher?” he asked.

“You just didn’t strike me as a teacher when we first met,” she explained. “But that was just a brief meeting. Tell me why you want to be a teacher.”

“Can’t you just sign the form?” he asked.

“I’m your advisor, Kevin,” she told him. “I’m here to advise you. Now, why do you want to be a teacher?”

He shrugged. “I like kids.”

“So does my brother-in-law,” she said, “but he’s an accountant.”

“Good for him?”

“Elaborate, Kevin,” Dr. Riviera urged. “I want to make sure that this is really what you want to do before I sign off on this.”

“I spent a lot of my time working with kids over the past two years,” he told her. “It was a huge part of what made everything worth it.”

“Everything as in?” she asked.

“My mission,” he explained. “My favorite part was spending time with the kids in the village.”

“And teaching them about God?” she asked.

“Yeah, but also just talking with them in general” he replied, not feeling like explaining that the religion they preached may not have exactly been recognized beyond that village.

She nodded. “And what made you finally decide? I mean, you got back from your mission before school started.”

“I’ve wanted to go into it since I got back,” he admitted, “but I made a new friend here and he convinced me that I should just do it, even if I’m not sure I’m a fit for the job. If it’s what I want to do, then I need to make it happen.”

“Your friend gives excellent advice. Maybe he should be an academic advisor,” Dr. Riviera joked. “Now, going back to what you said, why don’t you think you’re fit to be a teacher? You say you have experience working with kids, which would lead me to believe that you would be a better fit for the job than most of your peers.”

“I’m messed up,” he confessed. “My mission changed me. I’m losing my religion, which was like my entire identity before and when I was there, some stuff happened that-”

He stopped and shivered. Kevin wasn’t sure he could continue. Dr. Riviera didn’t want to hear about his deep-seated personal issues and he didn’t really want to talk about them either.

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked, setting a soft hand on his forearm. Maybe she was willing to listen.

Kevin shook his head. He wasn’t ready to talk about what he’d been through, especially not to some random adult that he barely knew.

She nodded and readjusted herself in her chair. “Kevin, I’m going to tell you a secret about adulthood that nobody wants you to know.”

“What is it?” he asked.

“Everyone is a little bit screwed up,” she told him. “We all have our own issues. Some might have worse issues than others but, in the end, all you have to do is dare to power through them and do what you love. Sometimes that means getting therapy. Sometimes that just means talking to the people that support you.”

“Thank you,” he mumbled, at a loss for any other response.

Dr. Riviera scribbled her signature on the form and handed it back to him. “Turn this in to the office on the first floor. Since I’m a professor in your new department you get to keep me as an advisor.”

“Thank you,” he said again, grabbed the paper and slinging his backpack over his shoulder.

“And Kevin,” she added as he reached the doorway. “My door is always open if you need to talk.”

He nodded and continued out of the room, not intending on talking to her about anything anytime soon. No offense to her, but he didn’t much like whining about his emotions, especially not to random adults.

* * *

Connor was doing homework in the common area when Kevin got back, so he burst inside with a smile on his face. “Guess who is officially majoring in early education.”

“That’s amazing!” Connor exclaimed, walking briskly toward Kevin and hugging him tightly. “I’m happy you found what you wanted to do.”

“When I’m a teacher you can visit my classroom and teach the kids how to dance,” Kevin promised him.

Connor put his hands on his hips. “Kevin Price, are you implying that I would come into your classroom and do your job for you?”

“Well, I’m certainly not qualified to teach dancing to anyone,” Kevin laughed. “When I dance I’m nearly as clumsy as Arnold is on any given day.”

“I can teach you,” Connor offered.

“Okay,” Kevin said, tossing his backpack aside. “Teach me.”

“Now?” Connor asked, with raised eyebrows.

“Now,” Kevin confirmed.

Connor let out a shaky breath. “But we don’t even have music. We can’t dance without music, right?”

“You dance without music all the time,” Kevin pointed out but pulled his phone out of his pocket anyway and opened the Spotify app before handing it to his friend. “Put something on.”

“What kind of dancing do you want to learn?” he asked. “I’m pretty good at tap, but you don’t have tap shoes and I’d have to get mine. We could do ballet, but I’m not sure that would suit you.”

“How about swing,” Kevin suggested. “I mean, that’s like the most useful kind of dancing out here, right? They have swing dancing stuff like twice a week.”

Connor eyed him hesitantly for a moment but nodded before putting on some godawful country song as Kevin pushed some of the furniture out of the way so they’d have room to dance.

They met in the middle and Connor clasped his left hand. “Put the other one behind my back, right up on my shoulder blade,” he ordered.

Kevin nodded and did as instructed as Connor placed his other hand on his bicep.

“Now, I’m going to tell you what to do, but you have to do the guy part so technically you’re the one leading,” he told him. “You’re too tall for me to spin.”

“I’m not that tall. You’re just tiny,” he teased. “Besides, I choose to reclaim this dance. We’re both doing guy parts.”

Connor rolled his eyes affectionately before starting to give orders. For Kevin’s lack of experience, he was doing pretty well and never stepped on Connor’s feet. There was something about them that just seemed to fit together perfectly, and it showed in their dancing.

When it came to spin, they did it with ease, and soon Kevin felt Connor’s back pressed up against his front. Something about it just felt right.

And then Connor abruptly dropped his hands and burst away from him, turning around with wide eyes.

“What’s wrong?” Kevin asked. “Did I mess up or-”

“Nothing,” Connor said hurriedly. “I just forgot I had some homework to finish is all. We can dance later.”

“Connor-” Kevin said, reaching forward to grab his hand.

He slapped it away. “I’m fine, Kevin.”

“I want to know what I did,” Kevin insisted.

“You didn’t do anything,” Connor told him. “It’s- it’s nothing. Can we please just drop it?”

Kevin looked at him with concern but nodded. Maybe he wasn’t the only one who needed to talk about stuff with someone.

* * *

After that weird interaction with Connor, Kevin headed back to his room. It was obvious that the other boy needed space and he knew he had to give it to him.

Arnold turned around as soon as he got inside. “Does Connor hate me?”

“I don’t think so,” Kevin replied, dropping this backpack on his bed and climbing up onto his bed.

“Are you sure?” Arnold asked.

“Pretty sure,” he said. “Where is this coming from anyway? Did something happen at church or something?”

“Well, remember when you were watching that mouse movie?” Arnold asked. “Connor was weird when I got there and he left like two minutes later.”

“He had homework to do,” Kevin defended, even though he hadn’t quite believed that himself.

“And is that what he said just now?” Arnold asked. “Because I came down the hall to see if you were back and he saw me and made this face like he wanted to run as far from me as possible.”

“You saw us dancing?”

“Yeah, but I turned around and went back to the room when I saw his face,” Arnold replied. “Contrary to popular belief, occasionally I can get the hint.”

“Shit,” Kevin said, flinching at his own language.

“So he does hate me?” Arnold asked.

Kevin shook his head slowly, remembering something that Connor had told him previously. “It’s the Hawthorne Effect.”

Arnold raised an eyebrow. “The what?”

“The Hawthorne Effect,” Kevin repeated. “It’s this psychological phenomenon where people behave differently when they know we’re being watched.”

“So Connor hates when I see him?” Arnold asked. “It still sounds to me like he hates me.”

“He doesn’t want to look gay,” Kevin inferred aloud. “Because like, we’re super comfortable around each other for friends and he’s probably worried about what that looks like to outsiders. Like the first time you came in we were kind of cuddling and this time we were dancing. You know how that can look and he’s still Mormon and I’m still maybe Mormon.”

“So you’re the problem?” Arnold asked.

“I am  _ not  _ the problem,” Kevin argued. “We’re friends. He’s just worried about his image. He doesn’t want anything to get back to his parents because, like, even though they live in Utah, there are probably people they know here and you go to church with them.”

“What about you? Do you care if people think you and Connor are, you know?” Arnold inquired.

“Who here do I even talk to besides the two of you and very occasionally Connor’s friends?” Kevin pointed out. “I can’t control what people think of me and I’m sick of trying to do so. I’ve wasted too much of my life trying to look like the perfect Latter Day Saint. I don’t care about what others think anymore.”

“So are you gay?” Arnold asked.

Kevin stopped and blinked for a moment. He hadn’t really been expecting that kind of question.

“I never really thought about it,” he confessed. “But no. I don’t think so.”

“It’d be okay with me, you know,” Arnold told him. “If you were.”

“You know I dated Debbie Johnson for like four months in high school,” Kevin reminded Arnold.

“I didn’t know you well in high school. Besides gay guys can date girls,” Arnold reasoned. “Sometimes it takes time to figure stuff out.”

“I liked Debbie,” Kevin insisted. It was pretty much true. He had liked Debbie a lot at one point, but it was pretty short-lived.

“Do you like Connor?” Arnold asked.

“Connor is my friend,” Kevin answered immediately.

Arnold nodded and turned back toward his computer, not really noticing that Kevin hadn’t actually answered his question.


	3. truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> heck yeah i finished chapter 5 and i think ik how imma end this thing yeet anyway enjoy and per usual you can [find me on tumblr](http://chloevlntine.tumblr.com/)  
> also i had the last scene of this fic in my head before i even started the beginning of it lmao it was one of the many fragments i pieced into this of my random hypothetical fic scenes that exist within my mind

Kevin Price’s relationship with the truth had always been complicated, to say the very least.

 

When he was five, he stole a maple donut from the kitchen late one night and, when his father asked who had done it, he blamed his older brother. His brother got grounded for two weeks while Kevin got away with one measly hell dream.

 

The summer before fourth grade, Kevin spent a week at a summer camp for LDS kids. He and the other fourth grade boys were led around during the daytime by a junior counselor and, on the first day, he organized a game for the boys to get to know each other.

“It’s called two truths and a lie,” the counselor, who couldn’t have been more than 14, told them. “Each of you are going to say three things about yourself and the rest of us have to guess which thing isn’t true.”

Kevin raised his hand high in the sky. “But aren’t we supposed to always tell the truth.”

“It’s just a game,” the counselor reminded him.

“Lying shouldn’t be a game,” Kevin argued.

“You tell the truth in the end,” he pointed out and refused to take any other questions.

Kevin rebelled by saying three truths every time they played, but not telling anyone after, so he won every round.

Before climbing on the bus back to Cody, he told a senior counselor about the game they had played. The next day there was a new junior counselor helping with their group. They got to know each other with a memory game.

 

When Kevin was in middle school his best friend at the time, Grayson Ames, got his first girlfriend. Her name was Jane and she was one of the popular girls in their school, but Kevin found her to be absolutely insufferable. She always talked during class, had a new set of friends every week, and, frankly, Kevin just didn’t think she was that pretty.

Grayson liked her a lot though, so Kevin kind of dealt with it. Most relationships in their school were pretty short-lived, so he figured that it would fizzle out eventually.

One day, she came up to him before Algebra and asked him, “Do you like me?”

“You’re my best friend’s girlfriend,” he replied, not sure exactly what she was asking him.

She giggled. “Not like that, silly. Do you like me as a friend?”

He remembered what they talked about in Sunday School last week: telling the truth.

“I think you’re one of the most annoying girls that I’ve ever met,” he told her honestly.

Jane ran away crying and Grayson never talked to him again, even after they had broken up. It was fine. Grayson hadn’t been a member of the LDS Church anyway.

 

In 11th grade, Debbie Johnson told him that she loved him when he dropped her back off after they had gone to see a movie with their friends.

He froze up for a moment, not sure exactly what to tell her. He certainly  _ liked  _ Debbie. They had been dating for a while and he thought she was extremely pretty and they got along super well. He liked it when they shared chaste kisses in the privacy of his car and when they held hands as they walked through the hallways of their school. It’s just that love was a strong word. He certainly liked Debbie, but he didn’t love her. At least not yet. But, if he told her the truth, he could ruin everything.

“I love you too,” he lied, terrified of hurting her feelings.

She smiled brightly and pressed a quick kiss to his lips before running into her house and waving goodbye.

A month later, they broke up because she had been cheating on him for the past two months with an older guy that worked at Ace Hardware. Kevin wondered if he had been the only one lying in the car that evening.

 

After returning from his mission, Kevin told his parents the truth. His faith had been shaken while he was away and, while he would like to believe in God, he was having his doubts, especially with some of the Church’s traditions.

His parents looked horrified for a moment, but his mother eventually set a comforting hand on his shoulder and told him that sometimes faith was a journey and that he had to find Him for himself.

 

Just a few weeks ago, Kevin told Arnold that Connor McKinley was his friend.

That was the truth.

Was it the whole truth?

* * *

It was an abnormally warm afternoon for November and Kevin’s English professor let their class out early, probably wanting to enjoy the rare bout of warmth as much as his students did.

Kevin headed toward the quad, thoughts of laying on the soft grass and doing his math homework on his mind.

Except, when he arrived, he saw Connor standing there, talking with some girl that Kevin had never seen before in his life. Who was she? Was that his girlfriend? Not that it would matter if it was.

Instead of laying on the grass, he power-walked toward them, plastering on his practiced Mormon smile.

“Hello,” he greeted, cheerily.

Connor turned toward him and smiled. “Oh, hi Kevin. I thought you were in English.”

“Got released early,” he explained before turning to the girl. “Hi, I’m Kevin! Who are you?”

“Lindsey,” she replied, reaching forward and shaking his hand. “I’m Connor’s little sister, but I’m a sophomore since I didn’t want to be a missionary.”

“I didn’t know you had a sister here,” Kevin said, turning toward his friend.

“It’s a bit of a scandal,” Lindsey said in a joking tone. “Both of our parents went to BYU and yet none of their college-aged children have followed in their footsteps.”

“Isn’t Kayla going there next year?” Connor asked his sister.

“Yeah, to get her MRS degree,” she replied with a roll of her eyes. “Just like Mom. Majoring in Religious Studies only to inevitably drop out when she gets married at age 2o and pregnant short-thereafter.”

“You have an absurd amount of sisters. I’m sure one of them will eventually graduate from BYU the normal way,” Kevin pointed out.

“Their loss,” she said with a shrug.

“We were just going to lunch if you’d like to come,” Connor offered. “Just like, in the dining center since I have a class in the business building in an hour.”

“You don’t have to stick to your fake schedule with me,” his sister told him. “I know you’re actually majoring in dance. One of my roommates has a class right after one of yours.”

Connor looked at her with wide eyes.

“Maybe I should leave?” Kevin offered, backing away slowly.

“It’s not a big deal,” she said with a shrug. “You should come to lunch with us. I want to hear all the gossip about my big brother.”

She led them toward the dining center and Kevin turned toward Connor. “Are you okay?” he asked quietly.

He nodded. “Yeah. If she was going to tell my parents that I was lying about my major, then she would have done it already.”

“Maybe you should tell them,” Kevin suggested. “You’re pursuing your dream. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.”

Connor sighed. “Kevin, you know why I can’t tell them.”

Yeah, he did.

* * *

“I’m sorry,” Kevin said as he walked into the common area later that afternoon. “I shouldn’t have told you what to do.”

“It’s fine,” Connor said from the couch, not sounding all too convincing.

Kevin dropped onto the couch and snuggled up close to his wrong. “It’s none of my business and I’m sorry. Please, don’t stay mad at you.”

Connor sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’m not mad at you, Kevin.”

“You don’t sound like the chipper dance major I know and love,” Kevin reasoned, burrowing his head further into Connor’s shoulder.

The other boy let out a small laugh and Kevin noticed a small blush forming on the tips of his cheeks. Mission successful. Happy Connor achieved.

“You’re the best friend I’ve ever had, you know,” Connor told him. “I know that Arnold’s your best friend, but you’re mine. I feel like I can tell you anything.”

The words ‘best friend’ echoed around in Kevin’s head like a taunt, but Kevin put on his best smile. “Tell me something now. Something that you’ve never even said out loud.”

Connor took a deep breath. “I’m gay.”

“Thank you,” Kevin said with a more genuine smile. “I know.”

The other boy smiled back at him. “I know that you know. I just hadn’t ever said it before. Not even to myself. I’ve spent my entire life trying to crush the feelings I’ve had for boys, but I know that I’d be happier if I just let myself feel, even if it meant putting some of my loved ones behind me.”

Kevin grabbed his hand and squeezed. “You always have me. And Arnold, by extension. Unfortunately, we’re kind of a package deal.”

“Your turn,” Connor said, looking to him expectantly. “Tell me something that you’ve never said to anyone before.”

He paused for a moment, trying to think of exactly what to say and how to phrase it. He wanted to give Connor something deep and genuine and true.

“I don’t believe in God anymore,” he said in a shaky voice, shocking himself with his own words. “I’ve told people that my faith was shaken or that I was having doubts, but that wasn’t the full truth. I don’t believe in Him. I want to, I really do, but I just don’t. Not anymore.”

“I know,” Connor said, echoing Kevin’s words from before.

Kevin gave him a surprised look. “You do?”

He nodded. “I’m more perceptive than I look. And our first conversation was about our complicated relationships with faith.”

“It’s a relief to say it out loud,” he admitted. “My faith was my whole life before. I was Elder Kevin Price, Mormon extraordinaire. Now he’s dead and I can just be Kevin, Early Education major.”

“I don’t think I would like Elder Kevin Price as much as much as I like you,” Connor said with a small laugh.

“No, you’d have loved me anyway,” Kevin replied. “I mean, I was still devilishly handsome back then.”

Connor considered it for a moment and then nodded. “You’re right. You probably look pretty good in a tie.”

Arnold walked into the hallway and Connor tightened up.

Kevin squeezed his hand. “It’s okay, Connor. It’s just Arnold.”

“It’s just I-” he started in a panicked voice.

“He doesn’t care,” Kevin promised him.

The boy in question walking inside, grinning when he saw them on the couch. He sat down on Kevin’s other side and hugged them both tightly. “Is it cuddle time?”

“You’re both incredibly annoying,” Connor laughed.

“But you love it,” Kevin pointed out.

“I do,” he said with a smile. “I really do.”

* * *

“How did you know that you were in love with Naba?” Kevin asked Arnold, turning over in his bed so they were facing each other from opposite ends of the room.

“Don’t you have class at 8 tomorrow?” Arnold replied immediately.

“Yeah,” Kevin answered. “But I can’t sleep. Now answer my question.”

Arnold hummed in contemplation. “I have an answer, but you’re not going to like it.”

“I won’t?” he asked in surprise. “Continue anyway, I guess.”

“I guess I realized that she was my favorite person to spend time with ever,” Arnold said. “I mean and she’s super beautiful, but anyone can see that. She’s just amazing and she always makes me laugh and she listens to me no matter what nonsense I’m going on about. She’s honestly my favorite person on the entire planet.”

“Why the fuck wouldn’t I like that answer?” Kevin asked, feeling a sensation of joy when he said ‘fuck’ because he didn’t believe in God and he could say whatever he wanted without risking damnation in Hell.

“Because I like her more than you,” Arnold told him. “Duh!”

“Arnold, I sure hope you like your girlfriend more than me,” Kevin laughed.

“Why do you ask anyway?” Arnold answered. “Is there a special lady out there that I don’t know about?”

Kevin shook his head. “No special lady.”

“Are you reconsidering my question from before?”

Kevin grabbed one of his pillows off of his bed and threw it at his best friend. “Shut up.”

“You know, I’m leaving early to fly out to Uganda for Thanksgiving,” Arnold reminded him. “If you need a free room, you’ll have one for a few days. Just saying.”

He groaned. “Seriously, Arnold, shut up.”

“You should talk to him,” Arnold persisted. “I think you two would fit well together. I mean, he’s willing to listen to your Disney rambling. That’s real love.”

“I’m asleep,” Kevin said in a sing-songy voice. “Goodnight, Arnold.”

Arnold let out a loud laugh from the other side of the room. “Goodnight, Kevin.”

* * *

The drive up to Cody was admittedly kind of lonely without Arnold to make it with him. It gave Kevin too much time to think. Specifically, too much time to think about one Connor McKinley who he had failed to talk to about feelings since his conversation with Arnold.

He supposed he could tell him after he got back. Or he could continue to just do what he was doing because he was too scared to take the next step.

The ride actually went by quicker than it normally did. There wasn’t a lot of snow on the ground quite yet, though that was due to change over the weekend, so he was able to drive without worrying about sliding off of the face of a mountain or something.

The best part of coming home for breaks during was supposed to be being treated like a treasured guest. Unfortunately, his brother had a new baby so Kevin was relegated to spot number two.

The holiday went well. It was good to see his grandparents and aunts and uncles and eat a big meal on Thanksgiving. People asked him about what he was studying and for once he could give them an actual answer and it was one they tended to be pleased with.

Friday night dinner was more peaceful. He was going to be leaving the following afternoon as to get back before the storm hit, so his mom invited Jack’s family over so they could have one more family dinner before Kevin went back to school, though it wasn’t a true family dinner as his younger brothers were away on their missions. Also, it was just Thanksgiving leftovers, but Kevin appreciated it nonetheless.

“Kevin, I’m so sad that you missed it. The ceremony was absolutely beautiful,” Jack’s wife said. She was talking about their wedding again. It seemed to be her favorite subject. That and her daughter seemed to be the only thing Martha was physically able to talk about.

“You’re next, kiddo,” his dad told him, lightly ruffling his hair. “Your mom already has a book full of wedding ideas for you. I fear for your future wife’s safety and sanity.”

He squirmed in his seat. He tried to picture getting married, but there was only one person he could picture standing at the altar with and it certainly wasn’t a woman.

“Oh, don’t be dramatic, David.” His mom lightly swatted his dad’s arm. “Kevin’s still young and he’s only just returned from his mission. He doesn’t even have anybody on his mind yet.”

“Actually, there is a person that I like,” he said quietly, staring at his plate. “Someone I met at school. We aren’t dating or anything, though. I haven’t quite worked up the courage to make a move yet.”

Tess glared at him. “Kevin, you’re supposed to tell me this stuff. You need a sister’s advice!”

“I’m not taking advice from a  _ 17-year-old _ ,” he snapped. “You’re hardly qualified to be giving out romantic advice.”

“I qualify for giving you girl advice,” she protested. “After all, I am one!”

“I don’t need girl advice,” Kevin told her. Nobody at the table seemed to catch his meaning.

“He needs my advice,” Jack butted in. “I’m his big brother and I’m married to a beautiful, wonderful woman. My advice would be more valuable when it comes to him getting a girl. After all, I’ve done it myself and, as a guy, I have a better insight into Kevin’s own mind.”

Kevin took a deep breath. “It’s not a girl.”

Jack’s wife choked on her water. “Excuse me?”

“I think I’m falling in love with a boy,” he confessed.

The table went silent for a few agonizing moments as his family members just stared at one another in a loss for words.

“Okay,” his mom said finally.

He dared to look up at her. “Okay?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know what you want me to say, Kevin. I can’t say that I expected this, but it is what it is. If you love boys, then that’s how Heavenly Father created you and He does not make mistakes. You are an amazing boy and you do not deserve punishment for being true to yourself and open with your loved ones.”

His father put a supporting hand on his back and Kevin smiled. He was lucky. His family loved him unconditionally.

Jack’s wife looked at them incredulously and got up and walked out of the room, grabbing her baby’s carrier as she went.

“I’m sorry about her,” Jack apologized before chasing after them.

“See what I’m talking about!” Tess exclaimed. “She’s awful! I don’t know how she tricked Jack into marrying her.”

Kevin laughed. “I’m sorry I ever doubted you, little sister.”

Their mom tsked disapprovingly. “We do not talk ill of people behind their backs, even if they are kind of awful and are probably only part of this family to cover up an accidental pregnancy.”

Yeah, Kevin kind of loved his family.


	4. talking to create change

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i finished chap 6 aka the last chap but idk how i feel about the end so i might rewrite it but i'm essentially done so yeet   
> [as always i'm still on the devil's website](http://chloevlntine.tumblr.com/)  
> tw: mentions of past sexual abuse, panic attack

“What the hell?” Kevin screeched as he opened the door to his dorm room only to find Nabulungi and Arnold making out on  _ his  _ bed in varying states of disarray. He immediately averted his eyes and turned back toward the door, desperately wishing that he could unsee the display before him.

“You’re back earlier than we thought!” Arnold said. “I thought you were running late because of the snow.”

“You were making out on my bed!” Kevin exclaimed. “Naba, I’m sorry but I’m pretty sure I saw one of your breasts.”

“Only pretty sure?” she asked. “Arnold’s are much paler than mine. You should know the difference.”

“Were you going to have sex on there?” he asked.

“I don’t have to answer that,” Arnold replied. “Also, you can look now.”

He turned his head back toward them. Naba was still on his bed, with her shirt now fixed, and Arnold was sitting across the room on his own bed.

Kevin angrily pointed his finger at Arnold. “You literally have your own bed!” He turned toward Nabulungi. “And it’s lovely to see you. How have you been? What are you doing here?”

“You’re not mad at her?!” Arnold exclaimed incredulously.

“Nabulungi isn’t my roommate!” he reasoned. “And I rarely get to see her.”

“You get to see more of me now,” she said with a bright smile. 

“I already saw more of you and I wish I didn’t,” Kevin told her.

“No, Kevin,” she giggled. “I’m staying forever this time.”

Naba reached forward and wiggled her left hand. One of the fingers had a Darth Vader ring that had clearly come from one of those vending machines where you put a quarter in it and a little ball pops out with a random toy in it.

“You-” Kevin’s jaw dropped. “You two- You’re engaged?!”

Arnold grinned and nodded wildly. “We’re getting married this spring so she doesn’t have to go back to Uganda except for vacations and stuff.”

“But where is she going to stay?” he asked.

“We’re going to squish into my bed together,” Arnold said. “At least until next semester, when we can figure something else out. That’s why we were going to have sex on your bed. We’re crowded as it is without worrying about sleeping on gross sheets.”

Kevin threw his hands up into the air. “I don’t want to sleep on your sex sheets either! No sex on my bed! God, I need about three more cups of coffee until I’m awake enough to deal with this.”

“You don’t mind, do you?” Naba asked. “If you’re upset, I can fly back to Uganda until Christmas.”

“I don’t mind,” Kevin lied. He certainly minded, but he wasn’t going to voice that, as he would probably get over it eventually. She was one of his best friends and he’d rather have her here with them than halfway across the world in Africa.

“So, are we done here?” Arnold asked. “My beautiful fiancé and I were kind of in the middle of something.”

“Arnold, can we talk for a second before I leave?” Kevin asked. “I need advice.”

“You’ve come to the right man. I’m an expert on all things advice-like,” Arnold said in a prideful tone.

Kevin turned to Nabulungi, doubting Arnold’s advice-giving prowess. “I think you better stay as well. I assume Arnold tells you anything and everything about my life anyway.”

She nodded. “I will help however I can.”

“I talked to my family about Connor,” he told them. “They took it pretty well.”

“Congratulations!” Arnold said, slipping out of his bed and wrapping Kevin in a bone-crushing hug. “Did you and Connor finally get it together and make things official?”

“No,” Kevin admitted. “I haven’t talked to him about it at all.”

“Well, my advice is to talk to him then!” Nabulungi chimed in. “If you don’t actively try to change things, then everything will just stay the same.”

Arnold nodded in agreement. “The lady has a point. To put it in words you’d understand, Ariel didn’t get that fancy prince to fall in love with her by not talking to him!”

Kevin raised an eyebrow. “Have you ever actually seen  _ The Little Mermaid _ ?”

“Absolutely not,” he confessed. “But you know what I mean.”

“I know what Naba means, so that’s what matters,” Kevin said. “Her advice is free of misleading metaphors.”

“So you’ll talk to him?” Arnold asked.

“I’ll try,” Kevin said. “But I’m not promising anything!”

* * *

After unpacking his things and promising to give Arnold and Naba some space for a few hours so long as they remained on Arnold’s side of the room.

He decided to pay Connor a visit since he really wanted to talk to him and knew that he was back already, based on the plans they had spoken about before leaving for the holiday.

But, when he approached the door, he heard a muffled crying sound inside. Kevin hesitated for a moment before lightly knocking on the door.

Connor’s roommate opened it immediately. His name was Chris or something, but everyone called him Poptarts because of his tendency to go on and on about the snack. He even had gone so far as to replace the nametag on his door.

“Hello, Kevin,” he greeted. “How was your break?”

“It was lovely,” Kevin replied. “Is Connor inside?”

Poptarts seemed to think the question over for a moment as if it weren’t an obvious yes or no. “I’m not sure that he’s up for visitors.”

“What happened?” Kevin asked.

“I don’t know,” Poptarts replied quickly, in a way in which Kevin knew it was a lie.

“Yes you do,” he asserted.

He sighed. “Maybe so, but I can’t tell you. I’m Connor’s roommate and he entrusts me with his secrets, which means I can’t just tell anyone, not even you.”

“Then can he tell me?” asked Kevin. “If he wants to.”

“I suppose,” Poptarts agreed. “But that’s his decision!”

“So I can go in there and talk to him?” he asked.

“I guess,” he agreed, unlocking the door and allowing Kevin to slip inside before leaving and shutting it behind him.

Connor was laying on his bed and facing the wall, crying softly.

Kevin walked toward him slowly and softly set his hand on the other boy’s shoulder. “Are you okay, Connor?”

He sniffled. “Not particularly.”

“Do you want to tell me what’s wrong?” Kevin asked.

“Not particularly,” Connor repeated.

“You know, someone wise just told me about five minutes ago that nothing changes if you don’t try to change it,” Kevin told him. “Talking it out could make you feel better.”

Luckily, Connor neglected to ask Kevin for the context of the aforementioned conversation and instead turned around slowly and said, “I told my parents that I was lying about my major.”

“Why would you do that?” Kevin asked. “I thought you said that was a bad idea!”

He shrugged. “I guess I was just sick of lying to them. I need to do what’s best for me, and that’s dancing.”

“I’m guessing they didn’t take it well,” Kevin inferred, feeling a bit guilty. He had been pushing Connor toward doing this and he himself had been lucky enough to have a good outcome when confessing his truth to his parents.

Connor shook his head. “I don’t want to go into exactly what was said, but my father threw around a few words that are absolutely disgusting. They want me to drop out and come home. I said no, obviously. And then they said that they weren’t going to pay for me to waste my life, so I guess I’m on my own now.”

“What are you going to do?” Kevin asked.

He sighed. “Get a job, I guess. I think I’ll apply to be an RA next year. I have enough experience with this type of thing since I was District Leader and it would pay for what my scholarships don’t cover. Until then I’ll have to find something else. I’ve emailed my oldest sister to see if I can stay with her during breaks. I don’t want to go back there.”

“You won’t have to,” Kevin promised. “Worse comes to worst, you can stay at my place over break. Or maybe at Arnold’s if that’s where you’re more comfortable.”

“I don’t want to stay in the home of anyone who hates me for being who I am,” Connor said bitterly. “I don’t want my existence to be a secret anymore.”

“And it won’t be. My parents would want to help you if they knew you were tossed out,” Kevin assured him. “You didn’t choose to be gay, you just are, which in their eyes means God made you that way.”

“Are you sure that’s how they would feel?” Connor asked.

“I’m positive,” he confirmed.

“You were right. I do feel a bit better,” Connor admitted. “Thank you, Kevin.”

Kevin smiled. He hadn’t got a chance to bring up what he had intended to, but it was hardly the time. Connor needed a friend right now, not an admirer.

* * *

It wasn’t long until they were back in the swing of things, though they didn’t have much of a choice, what with finals rapidly approaching. Sure, it was interesting having an illicit third person in their room, but they had been able to conceal it from their RAs so far and there were girls on their floor that were more than willing to let Naba into the bathroom when she needed it.

Connor seemed to be doing a lot better. He had gotten in contact with his sister, who was apparently living in Loveland, and she said he could stay with his as long as he needed to.

Kevin and Connor were at lunch on the Friday after break when the normalcy started slipping away again, completely on the part of Kevin.

It had started out as a fairly average day. It was an open house weekend, so the dining hall was a bit more crowded than usual, but that also meant the food was better.

They grabbed a tiny table between the pizza station and the drinks and sat across from one another.

“So, are you ready for your tap final?” Kevin asked.

Connor groaned. “No. My group hasn’t even finished choreography yet! We still have a week left, but still. We need to practice.”

“That sucks,” Kevin said sympathetically. “I need to finish an essay and study, but at least I escaped any group finals.”

“What day do you leave again?” Connor asked. “I have to stay through the weekend and leave on that second Tuesday.”

“I was lucky,” he replied. “My last final is on-”

He was cut off by a visiting high school aged boy tripping over his own two feet and falling to the ground, sending his red Gatorade splattering all over Kevin.

Kevin froze, mind sliding right back to when he first arrived in Uganda and his various encounters with General Butt-Fucking Naked. He was aware of the eyes on him, but he couldn’t bring himself to move and he could feel his breathing going uneven. He wanted to run but his feet wouldn’t move. He wanted to scream but his mouth wouldn’t open.

The feeling of an arm on his shoulder made him flinch away violently, knocking over the chair behind him.

“Kevin,” he heard someone call from what felt like a thousand miles away. 

The voice kept repeating his name and, with each repetition it sounded closer and closer until Kevin’s vision started to clear and he started to make out Connor’s blurry figure in front of him.

“Connor,” he croaked out, reaching toward the other boy, who wrapped him in his arms.

“It’s okay,” Connor whispered. “You’re here at school with me. It’s okay, Kevin. You’re safe.”

Kevin lightly sobbed onto his friend’s shoulder. “I’m sorry. I’m so messed up. I’m sorry.”

“Shhhh,” Connor hushed. “It’s not your fault.”

“I really didn’t mean to spill,” mumbled a voice from somewhere behind him.

He felt Connor move the hand on his back, probably to wave the kid off. God, everyone was probably watching. He didn’t want people to see him like this.

“Do you want to go back to the dorms?” Connor asked.

Kevin nodded and they gathered their things and headed for tray return with their half-finished meals. They dropped them off and then Connor gripped Kevin’s hand tightly as they silently walked back to the dorms, as to keep him grounded.

* * *

“I heard what happened,” Arnold told him as he walked into the room later that afternoon.

Since getting back, Kevin had changed into a soft gray t-shirt and an old pair of sweats and sent an email to his history professor, letting her know that he wouldn’t be able to make it to class due to a ‘personal crisis.’ Hopefully, she would believe him without demanding too much explanation.

“Connor told you?” he asked. He supposed Connor had a right to tell Arnold, after all, he was just looking out for him.

But Arnold shook his head. “Naba was in the lab in the basement, sending an email to her dad, and she heard people walk by talking about it. Apparently, they mentioned you by name.”

Kevin groaned. “Great. Now I’m the school outcast.”

Arnold frowned. “It’ll blow over. It makes you feel better, I was kind of shocked that there were people besides me and Connor that knew who you are to begin with. Maybe they went to high school with us in Cody or something.”

“That absolutely does not make me feel better, Arnold.”

“So, are you going to tell me about what really happened?” Arnold asked.

“Some high school kid spilled Gatorade on me,” he replied, content with leaving it at that.

Arnold, however, was unable to give anything a rest ever in his life. “And then what?”

He shrugged. “Me and Connor returned our trays and went back to the dorms so that I could change. And then I decided to skip history in favor of watching Netflix.”

“And what about before you left?” Arnold asked. “Specifically between getting Gatorade spilled on you and returning your trays with Connor.”

Kevin let out a loud sigh. “I guess I kind of froze up. But Connor was there, so it was all fine. Can we drop it?”

“Why did you freeze up?” Arnold asked. “You know, we might not be mission companions anymore, but you can still tell me anything. I  _ am  _ your best friend.”

“It doesn’t matter. Connor was there. I was fine,” he repeated.

“What if Connor wasn’t there?”

“He was,” Kevin growled.

“But what about next time?” Arnold persisted. “You might freeze up again and you might be all alone.”

“Can you just leave it?” Kevin pleaded.

“But it’s important,” Arnold argued. “You’re my best friend. I care about you.”

“Please, Arnold.”

The bigger boy sighed. “Fine. But when you’re ready to talk about it, I’ll be here.”

The truth was, Kevin did need to talk about it because he knew it wouldn’t get better otherwise. He just didn’t want to talk about it with Arnold or Connor or his parents or anyone that he was that close with. He knew that they wouldn’t judge him, but he feared it nonetheless.

* * *

The next morning, Connor met him for breakfast at the cursed dining center. This time they sat as far from any drink machines as possible.

“Are you okay?” he asked after a few moments of eating their eggs benedict in silence.

Kevin shrugged. “I don’t really want to talk about it.”

“Okay,” Connor replied. “Then let me tell you about what else happened in this dining center yesterday.”

He looked up, mildly interested.

“So, last night I came here for dinner with Poptarts and Church, right?” Connor began. “Well, they had a bunch of fried seafood in the Classic Cuisine section. Me and Church were like hell no and got other stuff, but Poptarts, as you may be aware, lacks basic survival instincts, and piled his plate high with it. For a while everything was fine, but then nighttime rolls around and-”

“Oh no,” Kevin interrupted with a wince. Their dining hall was known for distributing terrible bouts of food poisoning amongst its students like a game of Russian Roulette.

“Oh, yed,” Connor said, laughing. “Poor guy didn’t even have the energy to get back on his bed. He slept on the floor all night, Kevin.”

“Now I just feel bad,” Kevin said with a shake of his head. “And maybe a bit grateful that it wasn’t me. Is he okay?”

Connor nodded. “Fortunately, he survived the night. Church’s mom is a nurse and he lives in Cheyenne, so he drove him there for the weekend.”

“You almost got free A’s for the semester,” Kevin pointed out. “You should have just let him die.”

“Excuse you, Kevin Price, I am a  _ Mormon _ ,” Connor said with a dramatic gasp. “I would never wish death on anyone, not even my roommate that leaves crumbs all over the carpet.”

“You’re a great guy,” Kevin said with a smile.

The other boy looked at him with an expression of surprise.

“I mean, you’re always nice to like everyone you meet,” Kevin explained. “And you were there for me yesterday when I needed it. No questions asked.”

“That’s what any friend would do,” Connor tried to explain away.

“No, that’s what  _ you  _ did,” Kevin countered. “Arnold got back from class and grilled me for fifteen minutes until he realized I didn’t want to talk. You’re much more respectful of my boundaries.”

“I mean but he’s  _ Arnold _ ,” Connor pointed out. “He’s not exactly known for picking up on things unless you explicitly tell him them.”

Kevin rolled his eyes and grabbed Connor’s hand with his own and shook it. “Accept that you’re a good guy!”

His friend laughed. “You’re ridiculous Kevin Price.”

And, well, Kevin was more than intent to be ridiculous if it would bring joy to Connor’s beautiful face. He needed to talk to him soon, but he was still scared. What if everything changed, but it changed for the worse? What if Connor didn’t reciprocate his feelings and things became forever awkward?

* * *

Kevin took a deep breath as he knocked on the door. It was time to change things, and that meant actually talking for once. It was the first step to getting better, even if he wasn’t talking to exactly the right person.

“Just a second,” called a voice from inside.

A moment later the door opened, revealing Kevin’s advisor, Dr. Riviera.

She frowned when she saw him. “Kevin, you know that if you need to talk about your classes you need to email me in advance. I need to find your file and your degree plan info and that might take a bit.”

He shook his head. “It’s not that. I need to talk to you about something.”

His advisor looked him over and sighed. “Come on in. Do you want the door closed or open?”

“Closed,” he told her, settling into the seat across from her desk.

She closed the door and slowly walked back and sat in her seat, looking at him expectantly. “What do you need to talk about, Kevin? Are you finding your classes difficult? I can point you in the direction of personal tutors if you’re uncomfortable with attending group sessions.”

“I think I had a panic attack or something in the cafeteria last week,” he told her quietly. “Something happened and it was like my brain was sent directly back to the beginning of my time in Uganda and I couldn’t move or breathe or anything.”

“Are you sure that I’m the person you should be talking to?” she asked in a soft voice as if he might break at any moment. “There are excellent counseling services on campus that are absolutely free and I don’t think I can help you like they can.”

Kevin shook his head. “I’m not ready for that. It was terrifying enough just to walk across campus and talk to you. I just need to talk it out but please, don’t give me any of your pity or judgement.”

“I won’t judge you, Kevin,” she promised, setting a hand on his own. “You can tell me anything. I care for my students.”

“When I first arrived in Uganda on my mission, there was this big terrifying warlord terrorizing the village we were in,” he began, checking to make sure her face was neutral, which it was. “And he was terrifying. He shot this guy right in front of me and the guy’s blood splattered like all over me and it made me run away, but I ended up coming back. And later I confronted him to try to convert him and he-”

Kevin stopped to breathe and put his face in his hands as he gasped for breath, unable to reach for the words.

Dr. Riviera reached across the desk and lightly set a hand on his shoulder. “You can continue whenever you’re ready, Kevin.”

“I’m sorry,” he finally said in a broken voice. “It’s so hard. I’m sorry. I’m wasting your time. I should just go.”

“I have all the time in the world,” she assured him. “Your well-being is more important to me than getting all my papers graded tonight.”

He nodded and took a deep breath before looking her in the eyes and saying something that he had never said out loud to anyone before.

“He sexually assaulted me.”


	5. control

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was supposed to work on my deadline fics after finishing this but i started a hs orchestra au oops so hopefully i'll be able to post that soonish but who knows how writing will work lmao  
> anyway i am happy i finally got to write poptarts and church bc i love the dynamic i give them in my head jdfalsdkds  
> [come say hi!](http://chloevlntine.tumblr.com/)

After that, Kevin finally worked up the courage to see a campus counselor and, even after just two sessions, he already was beginning to feel a little closer to putting his past behind him, though he obviously still had a long way to go.

Arnold was more than pleased at him for doing it. He worried about Kevin, even though Kevin absolutely didn’t need anyone worrying about him, and the therapy was giving him a peace of mind.

He had even told Connor about it, sparing the details. He wasn’t ready to open up to his friends about what happened to him, but telling him that there was something that happened in the first place was definitely a start.

Now it was the last weekend before finals and, despite the frantic studying, Kevin and his friends still managed to budget their time so that they could take the Saturday before off, with plans to head out to the mountains for the day and go snowshoeing since campus rec rented them out for a pretty good price.  
Those plans were shattered when the roads got closed due to a surprise snowstorm the night before. They were stranded in Laramie for the time being.

“I’m so  _ bored _ ,” Poptarts groaned from where he was sprawled across Church and the couch.

“Chris, you have to be quiet,” Church scolded, looking up from his Wyoming government textbook. “It’s 24-hour quiet hours now and I don’t want to get written up because you refuse to spend your time studying.”

“We were supposed to do something today,” Kevin pointed out. “It’s not his fault that the weather turned on us.”

“Yeah, James!” Poptarts exclaimed, gesturing towards Kevin. “I’m a victim here!”

Church hummed in contemplation. “I still blame you. You’re from California. You knew the risks when you chose to go to school in Wyoming. We may call it Laradise, but it sure isn’t tropical. You’ve sentenced yourself to the eternal winter that most of us are used to and you’re just going to have to deal with it.”

“Why are you so grouchy?” he asked.

“My Gov class uses the plus-minus scale and I only have a 95,” he explained. “I need an 85% on the final or I’ll slip down to an A- and my 4.0 will be gone.”

“Don’t be so dramatic,” Connor said with a roll of his eyes. “I’m getting a C in one of my classes and you don’t see me complaining!”

“That’s probably why you’re getting a C,” Kevin pointed out, earning a shove from the other boy.

“We could see a movie,” Poptarts suggested. “I mean, I don’t know what’s showing and I don’t have any money, but James could buy.”

The boy in question raised his eyebrows. “Chris, you owe me $53.46.”

“You’re  _ keeping track _ ?!” He pushed off of him and sat on another chair across the room, crossing his arms across his chest. “Best friend privileges revoked!”

Church just rolled his eyes and continued working.

“Well, I think Poptarts is right,” Connor said. “We made plans to do something today, so let’s do something. Even if it’s not going to a movie because I also don’t have the cash for that.”

“I’ll pay for you,” Kevin offered, wincing when he realized that maybe he had spoken a little too quickly and had come off as desperate. Not to say that he wasn’t desperate, he just didn’t want anyone to notice that he was.

“No,” Church said. “Come up with a more enticing offer than I pay for Chris to talk through a movie and I’ll consider.”

Connor turned toward Kevin. “Why don’t you ask Arnold if he has any ideas?”

Kevin shook his head rapidly. “I do  _ not  _ want to go in there. He and Naba have been ‘relieving stress’ for hours. Even if they’re done, it needs time to air out.”

“Never tell me about Arnold’s sex life again,” Church muttered, not bothering to look up from his book.

“Well, we are all 21,” Poptarts pointed out quietly, looking to the others cautiously.

“We’re also Mormon,” Connor reasoned. “And, for the most part, broke.”

Church shrugged. “I’m down for it. I mean, I don’t drink, but seeing you three drunk will be reward enough. Get Arnold in on it and I’ll buy each of you a drink.”

“So, what I’m hearing is that you’re going to drive,” Connor said. “I guess I’m in then. Kevin?”

He bit his lip. He hadn’t really gotten drunk before, but there was nothing really stopping him from trying it out anymore, seeing as he didn’t exactly believe in God. Still, the thought of losing control sounded less than appealing. But maybe the alcohol would be the push he needed to voice his feelings.

“I’m in, I guess,” he said. “I’ll text Arnold. He’ll probably bring Naba along as well, but she’s actually somewhat used to drinking since she never really had any religion to hold her back.”

Church grinned wickedly. “You know you had me at drunk Arnold. This is going to be one interesting night.”

* * *

As it turned out, Kevin wouldn’t have much of a chance to get drunk that night because it took Arnold approximately half an hour to get hammered and, well, Kevin couldn’t leave Church to deal with all of that on his own.

They had been in the bar for two hours now and Arnold was currently crying and slobbering all over Kevin’s shirt.

“I just love her so much,” he cried. “Like she’s so pretty and amazing and nice and funny and  _ hot _ . I just wish I knew that she felt the same way!”

“I’m a bit lost, pal,” Kevin said, patting his friend on the back. “Are you talking about Naba?”

Arnold nodded miserably.

“You’re literally engaged to her. I think she likes you back. I mean, she uprooted her entire life to come here and be with you,” he pointed out.

“Do you think I should tell her how I feel?” Arnold asked.

Kevin raised an eyebrow. “You haven’t told Naba that you love her yet?’

“I’ve only told her three times today,” he replied. “I usually tell her about five times each day because that’s the only way I can think of to express how much I love her but it doesn’t work because it’s still not enough since I love her so so so so so much!”

Just then, Church, who already had Poptarts leaning entirely on him, dragged a perpetually giggling Naba and Connor off of the dance floor.

“Heavenly Father help me!” Arnold exclaimed. “She’s coming over here. What am I supposed to do?”

“Tell her that you love her?” Kevin suggested.

“That’s a great idea!” Arnold exclaimed, pressing a slobbery kiss to Kevin’s cheek and, god, if he wanted that experience he could have stayed home and hung out with his dog.

Arnold ran over to Naba and hugged her tightly as he whispered something into her ear that just made her laugh even louder.

James continued toward Kevin. “We should get going,” he suggested. “Chris is about half a drink away from throwing up and I really don’t want to deal with that tonight.”

“ _ James _ ,” the man in question whined. “I’m fine! You don’t gotta worry about me. I may be short, but I can handle my liquor. Didn’t you see how I was dancing?”

He raised an eyebrow. “Chris, you’ve spent the last ten minutes literally sitting on the dirty floor. I wouldn’t be surprised if you contracted some disease and I have to drag you back to my mom’s.”

“We can go home,” Kevin agreed. He was having a good time, but it was going be hard enough to reign in their drunken friends as it was. He didn’t want to deal with any potential bodily fluids.

“I gotta pee first,” Chris informed them.

Church let out a loud sigh and turned to Kevin. “You watch over these three and I’ll take him to the bathroom. I don’t trust him to find it by himself. Or not to get distracted on the way back.”

Chris started to protest, but James ignored him, dragging him off toward wherever the inevitably dirty bathrooms were located.

Connor seemed to find this to be an opportunity to latch onto Kevin, as he draped his arms around him and buried his face in his neck.

Kevin froze, unsure of what to do. Connor was drunk. Connor was a clingy drunk. It didn’t  _ actually  _ mean anything, did it?

He mumbled something into Kevin’s shoulder that he wasn’t quite able to hear, due to the loud music and the words becoming muffled in his shirt.

“What did you say?” Kevin asked, awkwardly rubbing Connor’s back since he just wasn’t sure exactly what to do with him.

The shorter man pulled away with a pout. “I said that you didn’t dance with me tonight,” he repeated. “Everyone danced with me except you. Well, and Church, but I don’t think he’d dance even if someone held him at gunpoint.”

“I was busy taking care of Arnold,” Kevin said. 

It was half of the truth because, while he did find himself spending most of the evening babysitting his fully grown best friend, he probably could have made time to dance with Connor, as they had danced in the common area all that time ago. 

The other half of the truth was, he was scared. 

He was scared that maybe they’d get so close and he’d do something. Something that he wasn’t quite ready for. Something that could ruin everything with Connor before it even began. If it ever began.

“Dance with me now,” Connor pleaded, nodding his head toward the dance floor.

“Church really wants to get going soon,” Kevin protested. “He’s just taking Poptarts to pee and then-”

“Just one song,” Connor interrupted. “You can dance with me for one song. I don’t even care that you’re like super terrible at it.”

“Excuse me?” he replied. “I am  _ not  _ super terrible at it. Not all of us have extensive training like you do, Mr. McKinley. Some of our dancing experiences are limited to school dances and third-grade gym.”

Connor laughed at that and the sound of it made Kevin’s throat tighten ever so slightly. God, he was whipped.

“All the more reason to dance with me. More experience just means that you’ll get better. Especially if you’re dancing with a professional,” he said, lightly taking hold of Kevin’s hand and pulling him through throngs of people into a small clear spot that he had somehow scouted out in the middle of the dance floor.

“I don’t even know how to dance to a song like this,” Kevin told his friend. “Do we just jump around like it’s prom or-”

Connor rolled his eyes and took hold of Kevin’s hands in his own. “Just feel the beat, Kevin. Dancing doesn’t always have rules. Sometimes it’s more about losing control and just feeling than anything.”

Kevin nodded nervously. The truth was, Kevin liked rules. Sure, sometimes he broke them, but he liked knowing where he stood with them. The thought of losing a little control and getting lost in that gray area where he didn’t know what was right and wrong was terrifying because, when you spend your entire life trying to build up an image for yourself, it takes more than a couple of months to unlearn that and stop caring what others thought.

And losing control with Connor could really transform what people thought about him, particularly Connor himself.

“It’s okay,” he assured him, giving his hands a small squeeze. “If you don’t know what to do, just copy me. Besides, you can’t be worse than Arnold. If I didn’t know him, I’d think he was stepping on my toes intentionally, not to mention that he fell over about five times in the span of one song.”

He took a deep breath and loosened his shoulder, starting to awkwardly bop along to the beat with Connor, who, even in his drunken state, was moving with the rhythm as if his body were created for the sole purpose of moving in perfect time with this song.

They must have looked like some pair, he realized. Kevin, tense with fear and unsure of exactly what he was supposed to do, and Connor, completely relaxed and in his element, hips swaying in a way that was just wicked for anyone who may or may not be insanely attracted to those hips and everything attached to them.

God, he shouldn’t be thinking that. At least not in public. Had anyone noticed him thinking that? Not that anyone could read his thoughts, but did they know, somehow, just by looking him? He glanced out into the crowd, only to find that everyone was a.) drunk and b.) focusing on their own dancing. He shouldn’t have been so worried.

Connor’s voice brought him back to reality. “Kevin,” he said, just loud enough for him to hear. “Focus on me. We only get one dance before Church drags us back to the dorms. Let’s enjoy it while we can.”

Kevin focused in on Connor then and noticed that the other man was smiling, but it wasn’t that all-encompassing grin that he often displayed when someone told a joke or complimented him. It was a small smile, a private smile, a smile that only seemed to exist between Kevin and Connor.

Taking another breath, Kevin let out his tension and, for a few moments, the rest of the room fell away and it was just the two of them, dancing.

* * *

Kevin was laying in his bed and staring up at the ceiling, vaguely aware of Arnold and Naba cuddling and laughing on the other bed as he got caught up on his thoughts of how much he wanted something like that and how much he wanted it with Connor.

“I need to talk to him, don’t I?” he said, loud enough for the two of them to hear.

There was a shuffling sound and then Arnold sat upright on the other bed, facing Kevin as Naba continued to lay in the same spot with her head turned toward him.

“Yeah, I think you do, buddy,” Arnold told him.

Kevin groaned. “But I don’t know what he’s going to say.”

“You can never know what he’s going to say,” Naba pointed out. “If you wait, then the pain in your heart will just grow larger.”

He groaned again. “I wish I knew what he was going to say anyway.”

“Do you think I knew what Naba was going to say when I asked her out?” Arnold asked him.

Kevin blinked. “Yes. Everyone with eyes knew that you two were into each other. Really, Arn, how could you  _ not  _ know?”

“I think often times people do not see that others love them, especially when their own feelings are so strong,” Naba told him. “And even when told they have nothing to worry about by others, they still have this fear.”

“What if he hates me?” Kevin asked. “Or what if I freeze up and make a fool of myself? I can’t just go into a conversation like that with no idea what’s going to happen!”

“Stupid boy, if I wasn’t so comfortable I would march across the room and smack you on the head,” Naba grumbled. “Do you not hear what we have been telling you? You can’t know what will happen. You can’t control everything. Sometimes you need to take risks if you want something to happen, or else you may never have a chance. Now, stop whining, and tell him.”

“He’s in a final right now,” Kevin told her.

“Well, then march over there and pull him out of class!” Arnold exclaimed. “Love is more important than school.”

Kevin gave Arnold a weird look. “Pal, I really hope you know that’s wrong in every way. If loving someone gets in the way of your education and your future, then you’re loving the wrong person.”

“You do not need to talk to him today or even tomorrow,” Nabulungi told Kevin. “In fact, you do not need to talk to him about it ever if you don’t want to. But, please consider your own happiness when deciding what to do, not what others may think or even what Connor may think. If you voice your feelings truthfully, you are incredibly brave and, even if you get rejected you will no longer be pining.”

“And what if he doesn’t want to be my friend anymore?” Kevin asked. “What if I put myself out there and I lose him forever?”

His friends’ expressions softened.

“You won’t lose him, Kev,” Arnold said. “Connor really likes you and I don’t think he’d want to lose you either.”

“Besides, do you really want to be friends with somebody who will push people aside for feelings that they cannot control?” Nada asked.

Kevin bit his lip. “I guess not.”

“Just think about it,” Naba told him. “In a few days, you will go home to Cody and Connor will stay with his sister in Colorado and then you will have to wait weeks for another chance and, after all that time, who knows if there will be things that have changed.”

“I’ll think about it,” he promised, turning his gaze to the ceiling once more.

Kevin had to tell Connor, and he had to tell him soon.

He just wished that he knew how.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU FOR STICKING WITH ME FOR THIS JOURNEY!!!!!! those of you who have been leaving comments chapter after chapter,, i love y'all!!!!!!! and anyone else who's tolerated me enough to get to the end ily too haha  
> i'm working on another bom fic but i think i might try to post it as a long oneshot and it's only like 3k so far so i have a ways to go lmao but HOPEFULLY i'll finish it at some point bc i'm happy w the concept at least  
> [as always you can find me on tumblr](http://chloevlntine.tumblr.com/)

Arnold was standing in the middle of the room, arms wrapped tightly around Kevin, and sobbing. He had just finished his last final of the semester, which just happened to be on the first day of finals week, and was now packed up to go home.

“That bad, buddy?” Kevin asked, patting his friend’s back awkwardly. “You know, you can retake certain classes online if you really need to.”

“The final went fine,” he wailed, shaking his head. “But now me and Naba are going back to my house and you’re stuck here all alone and sad.”

“I’m fine. I’m going home on Friday, remember?” Kevin reminded him. “I’ll be able to last two days without you. It’ll be hard, but I’ll find some way to manage.”

“But how am I gonna manage?” Arnold asked, pulling back to wipe the tears from his eyes. “Break is  _ so  _ long, Kevin. I’m not ready to say goodbye to you!”

He raised an eyebrow. “Arnold, we live in the same town. We can and will hang out during break. You know I’d get terribly bored without you. Besides, my sister told me that she misses you when I came home for Thanksgiving. Something about you being more fun than me.”

Arnold’s eyes widened. “Oh no. You don’t think Tess is getting,  _ y’know _ , feelings for me? Because I’m engaged. I liked it and you bet your booty I put a ring on it, which means I’m unavailable for the rest of my life, or at least till Naba dies but I think I’ll die first because women live longer.”

Naba, who had been sitting on Arnold’s bed and watching the whole exchange, laughed. “I don’t think Kevin’s sister wants to steal you. I think she wants you to be her brother.”

He frowned slightly. “No offense, Kevin, I love you a lot, but the way I love you is completely different from the way I love Naba. I can’t marry you to become her brother.”

“No, she wishes that you were her brother instead of me,” Kevin clarified. “Since she thinks that I’m boring.”

“Well, you kind of are,” Naba teased.

Arnold gasped audibly. “My best friend is  _ not  _ boring. He’s amazing and, well he’s not exactly kind, but he’s getting there and character development is important and interesting!”

Naba glanced at Arnold’s phone. “It’s getting late. We really should be going if we are to make it there without having to stop for the night.”

“I’ll see you in a few days, yeah?” Kevin said, hugging Arnold tightly one last time because sure, it was only going to be a couple of days, but he was actually really going to miss having his best friend around.

His friend sniffled. “Good luck on your finals. And don’t forget to eat breakfast just because I’m not there to wake you up and drag you to the dining center.”

“I’ll try my best,” he promised.

“Oh, and I really think you should talk to Connor before you leave,” Arnold suggested. “I know you hate talking about this but I don’t want you to miss out on something you deserve since you two are like the most amazing dudes who like dudes in the history of ever except maybe Han Solo because I’m convinced that he and Lando did something together at some point.”

“Thank you?” Kevin replied. “I’ll take that into consideration.”

“I really think he likes you,” Arnold told him. “Connor, not Han. If Han Solo ever met you, he’d hate you because you’re both simultaneously too similar and too different to ever get along. Maybe you could manage a brief sexual encounter, but nothing more would ever come with it. Unlike with Connor where you can have romance  _ and  _ numerous longer sexual encounters.”

Kevin blinked a few times, not sure exactly how to respond to that. Honestly, at this point, it was surprising that Arnold could render him speechless at all, but here he was, standing there confused out of his mind.

“I agree. I think Connor really likes you as well,” Naba piped in. “I’m not sure about the other stuff. Arnold says I need to see  _ Star Wars  _ twice more to completely understand it.”

Arnold slapped his palm to his forehead in realization. “Which means Kevin doesn’t completely understand it either! I’m sorry if I confused you, but Naba basically summed it up. Okay, one last hug please.”

Kevin hugged his friends goodbye and walked them out of the door, suddenly with a keen awareness that, second by second, time was ticking away.

* * *

“You have two and a half hours to complete this final, and that is more than doable, so I expect that everyone will finish their exam,” his history professor droned on from the front of the room. “When you get to the short essay portion, I expect you to really think about your answer. Everything we have done all semester has been building to this exam, so I am confident that each and every one of you has the tools to be successful on this exam, given that you have been paying attention in class. You may start when the clock switched over to 10:00.”

Kevin watched time tick away on the clock that was projected on the wall in front of him and was filled with a sense of dread. This was his last exam. He was supposed to be leaving directly after it ended, and he hadn’t told Connor anything yet.

He was running out of time or, if Connor wasn’t around when he got back, he was already out of time. After all, they had said their goodbyes at breakfast that morning. They weren’t supposed to see one another again until late January.

Shit.

People around him flipped their papers over all at once and he sat up straight in his seat, remembering where he was. Right, he had a final to take, which was infinitely more important than pointless pining.

It was easy, overall. His studying had prepared him well for the multiple choice questions and he flew through them, seemingly at a faster pace than most of his peers.

And then he got to the essay question.

“Discuss a major issue in current American politics and trace it back through the three major periods we have studied in class to explain how it came to be or how this issue has evolved over time.”

Kevin stared at it for a few moments. That was so incredibly vague. He had no idea what to write about. It could be anything. There were no rules with this. There was no right answer. He just had to throw something out there and hope it was good enough.

He glanced up at the clock. Every second that passed was a second of time that he had lost. He only had a little over an hour to write this essay. He was slowly running out of time, but he needed to do something. If he didn’t do something, he’d fail.

A thought nagged away at the back of his head. If he didn’t talk to Connor before he left, he’d probably fail at his one chance to be in a relationship with him. He had been slowly running out of time for weeks, but he’d been too afraid of diving into the unknown to do shit.

Kevin forced that thought to the back of his mind. He was in an exam. His focus needed to be on his essay. He could deal with the whole Connor situation later.

Except he couldn’t, could he? He’s been telling himself it was something he’d do later since he realized what he felt for the other boy. He needed to do it  _ now _ .

He needed to do it directly after the exam, which would go faster if he would just relax and  _ write his fucking essay _ .

Taking a deep breath, Kevin started writing frantically, taking a step into a territory that wasn’t as familiar and practiced as his other exams, finally ceding to the fact that, as much as he’d like to, not even Kevin Price can control everything.

* * *

After he finished his exam, Kevin gave it a quick once-over before turning it in and briskly leaving the room before running across campus to get to the dorms, hoping that Connor wasn’t in an exam or in town or away from his room for any reason.

Because this was Kevin’s last chance and fuck worrying about the future, he was going to take it.

By the time he pounded on Connor’s door, he was out of breath.

It took a few moments for the door to open and, when it did, he was faced with a short blond boy with frazzled hair and an annoyed look on his face.

“I was asleep,” Chris grumbled. “Aren’t you supposed to be driving back up to Cody or something?”

“I need to say goodbye to Connor,” he told him.

Chris opened the door wider and gestured around the empty room. “You’re out of luck. He’s not here.”

“Well, where is he?” Kevin asked. 

Maybe he was finishing up an exam. Or at lunch. Or in the library. Maybe Kevin still had a chance.

The other boy just shrugged. “Your guess is as good as mine. I told you, dude. I was asleep.”

Kevin groaned. “I really need to talk to him before I leave.”

“Then text him,” he suggested. “I know you have a cell phone and Connor’s number because you two are texting near constantly except, of course, in this moment where you chose to knock on my door and wake me up instead.”

“I kind of need to speak to him in person,” Kevin explained. “I’m not sure this is something I can really do over text.”

Chris raised an eyebrow. “I meant text him to see where he is. What are you talking about?”

Kevin’s eyes widened. “Nothing. Have a good break, Chris.”

“Yeah,” he mumbled, before walking back into his room and closing the door.

He pulled out his phone and started typing a message to Connor, only to crash directly into him on the way to his room.

“I was looking for you,” they said at the same time, following it with an awkward laugh.

“I feel like I didn’t properly get to say goodbye to you this morning,” Connor said, picking at a thread on his sweater. “I mean like it just didn’t feel quite like it was the end. Something between us felt like it was unfinished and I-”

“I like you,” Kevin said in a rush, fighting the urge to slap his hand over his mouth after the words came out.

Connor’s eyes grew wider. “You do?”

He gulped and nodded, worried that Connor’s reaction meant that he didn’t feel the same way. He was in too deep now, though. There was no lying or running from the truth. He had been doing that for weeks and he just couldn’t do it anymore.

“Yeah. I probably should have told you earlier, seeing as we’re about to not see each other for like six weeks but, Connor, I’m like super into you. Sorry if this is all one-sided and it makes things awkward for you, in which case maybe it’s better that we aren’t seeing each other for a while, except not because I’m still kind of selfish and I  _ want  _ to see you. Anyway, I hope we can still be friends even though I have feelings for you.”

Connor stared at him for a moment, dumbfounded. “You like me back? I thought you were straight?”

“Nope,” he said, popping the ‘p’ in the word as he wrung his hands nervously. “I guess I like guys somewhat at least. I mean, I definitely like you, as I said before, seeing as you’re like amazing and stuff.”

“I like you too,” Connor said, a smile forming on his face. “I mean, who wouldn’t. You’re really incredible, Kevin.”

And, shit, nothing got Kevin going quite like being praised, especially when it was coming from somebody that he liked so damn much. His glance dropped from Connor’s eyes to his lips. “Can I?” he asked.

Connor nodded, eyes blown wide.

He moved in slowly and pressed their lips together, pinning Connor against the wall and losing control in his lips, not caring who could walk by and see them. He liked Connor and Connor liked him, and now it was something they could admit to themselves and to the world, even if it had taken them a while to get there. 

The kiss was a bit awkward, as first kisses always tended to be, not that Kevin had kissed very any people in the past, but it was still good. Kevin and Connor just  _ fit  _ and he was regretful that it had taken him so long to really see it. This kiss is what had been building up between them the entire semester, ever since they met that night when Kevin was stuck in the common area, and now-

“I don’t know how I’m going to go without that for six weeks,” Kevin panted after they pulled away. “I shouldn’t have waited until we were nearly out of time.”

“We’re not out of time. We can call and Skype and maybe we can find a way to meet up. Even then, there’s next semester. And then more time after that,” Connor told him. “Kevin, we have all the time in the world.”

Sure, he was certainly right. They did have more time. When they came back next semester, they would be an item.

But Kevin was still kind of mopey.

“But I want to kiss you again,” he whined.

Connor glanced around the empty hallway before meeting Kevin’s eyes and smirking. “Then do it.”

And he did.

This time, when they pulled apart, Kevin had a smirk on his face.

“What is it?” Connor asked, confused.

“I just realized that we can get Arnold back,” Kevin said. “Next semester, he can be the one getting locked out of the room.”

Connor laughed. “Eager, aren’t we? Slow down, we only just kissed. You’re gonna come off as desperate or something.”

Kevin shrugged. “I’m always desperate when it comes to you.”

He took his hands. “I am too, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

A smile blossomed across Kevin’s face. For once, he was really, truly happy.


End file.
